Monday, December 15, 2014

Living a Dream..

It's ending...the year of 2014.

I will be turning 33. All is good - health, family and career...............oh how I wish. Sometimes I wish too hard to live in a dream.

In reality, this moment has been the worse turning point of my life. I am not as healthy and active as I used to be. I have gained 28 kg over my ideal weight, yeah..blame the post natal fats. My career is going nowhere, yeah..blame the mismanagement. Financially am broke. Am always broke, never good with money. My other half if way too far on the other half of Malaysia. Leaving me to raise our 2 year old son with the help of my mom. Imagine living with your mother who treats you like a 5 year old when you are already in your thirties - it sucks big time.

I am depressed most of the time and I hate to go home straight away after work.

Gosh, I really feel like I am not cut to settle down with a family. One of the reason is that I realized I am not the typical mother - fuss over my one and only son. I really don't. And my mother strengthen the fact by picking on me daily saying things like, "Go to your son", "He needs your attention.", "You should spend more time with him.". Oh, I really hate when she says any of that.

And there are so many bucket list yet to cross.

I remember being so prepared and confident to be a wife and a mother 5 years ago. Which gradually depleted into nothing over the years - maybe it's the hardship of being married, taking care of everything and living up to my family's expectation. I am their center of universe - like how the earth revolve around the sun.

I am supposed to be happy and content.

Instead I cringed at the thought of going home and rather spend my time at Starbucks with a cup of Caramel Macchiato like I am some carefree singleton.

Gosh..I gotta do something with my life. I am emotionally dying...