battle that I can't win..

I guess I am selfish in a way.

Maybe since my brother died and I've been raised as the only child, I WAS spoiled despite the strict teachings of my parents. Sometimes, its not that I don't realized what Mom wants, but I'm too thickheaded to give in to her. Because the way she does things and her way of thinking is wayyyyyyyyy too different than mine or Papito's, in comparison.

Truth is I miss Papito. And because he's not around due to his silly mistakes and not by my side anymore to listen to my rantings, I bottle up my dissatisfaction. And sometimes, I let it out on Mom. I reckon, its ironic and frustrating that Mom, who bears me for 9 months in her wombs doesn't seem to know me at all. And my dad whom I called Papito, gets me everytime. He respects my space and privacy, unlike Mom, who think she holds the VIP card to enter my every nook and cranny.

At last (out of fed-up), I tell myself, its okay larr. Even if I give her another 25 years, she would still see me as her 5-years old daughter. So, if she doesn't get me, its okay, because I know her. I know what makes her mad, laugh and what she wants from me. I told myself countless times, maybe I should just give in to her, be a little bit more considerate as she have been through a lot of hell too. So yesterday, I pulled out my stack of UNO cards and make two mug of hot Milo... and the atmosphere becomes normal again after a week of silence..

As I was laying the cards, I smiled silently, thinking that it only take her favourite drink and UNO cards to make things right again (not words of apologies). I have such a weird family... ;Þ

PAP smear..

Yes, you're seeing correctly... I am posting an entry about PAP smear a.k.a PAP Test.

It is simply a quick and essentially painless screening test by scrapping teeny weeny amount of cells form a woman's cervix . The cells is then spread on a microscope slide for examination. The test is recommended not only to ensure there's no pre-cancerous cells and abnormalities but also to ensure general well-being of a woman's vagigi..

Every vagina owners who are sexually active is highly recommended to do the test, ESPECIALLY for those who had an early start (before 20 yrs old) in sexual intercourse, ehem. Uhuk uhuk.. /jann batuk menyindir.. *guffaw*

video time..

I'm such an amateur..
Let's try posting a video on this blog.. hehe..
Its less than a minute video so I hope it wouldn't take long to buffer..




p/s: Thanks Dela, for video-ing and forwarding to muah. Appreciato. Emkoi. ;)

truth is..

Truth is....
even if I'll never see him again,
even if he marries some other chic (go la, go lar marry which ever chic u want!),
or if I marry some other man (if I ever settle down, that is),

I know I'll always have that special soft spot for this stupid, arrogant, sepet man who likes to make stupid silly jokes till I'm teary eyed. Who would have thought that he'll end up being the only one who've ever really captured my fancy... Go figure!

Gosh, its really been beyond draggy this past decade!

parents...(take a deep breath)

Parents. Ahhh...parents.

You can't live with them and you can't live without them. Parents are an entire set of species that comes from Pluto, if you ask me. No matter what and how we explain to make them understand, well, they just don't. They have their own set of Plutonian language, their own ways of doing things. There's no such word as compromising in their dictionary and no matter how rightful you can be, you are always WRONG. And they are always right because they taste the salt way before than we do (makan garam terlebih dahulu).

Another thing that really ticks me is the fact that parents can't seem to understand why their children needs privacy. If they can't understand, at least, they should cut us some slack and respect that every human being need their own space. It's purely a simple logic, if you ask me.

My mother, a creature from south of Pluto is someone who doesn't believe in locking doors. On one fateful Sunday morning, she knocked on my door and tries to open it. But it was locked from the inside. She got all worked up and starting banging on my door, shouting and asking me to open it. I could hear her loud and clear but was very groggy to even open up my eyes. And when I finally open the door, she fire straight to my face, "What's wrong with you? Why did you lock the door? Showing me attitudes."

WHAT THE HELL? Mom, is it wrong to lock my own door? Would it kill someone if I did? Gosh, tak pasal pasal kena. She's someone who shoot first and ask later. In many occasions, she would give her piece of mind before I can even open my mouth to explain. I got fed-up at one point and stop explaining things to her. But then, when I let her have her say and shut up, she complains that I never bother to explain or tell her what's going on!

I tried to talk to her like an adult, I swear, I tried! Told her that I need to live my own life, own space and privacy. But she didn't get it. According to Mom, she have the right to barge in and question me because she's my mother, it's not breech of privacy, she's just concern and genuienely interested in my life. And everytime, Mom prevails to shut me up (she holds a PhD in reverse psychology) and never fail to leave me irritated and guilty to the max!

Oh, I give up.

These days, when Mom screws me, I'll just slash ignore. Unless if she's really out of the line, then I'll say something back. Not to disrespect Mom or anything, but I got to stand up for myself sometimes. Darn, what else can I do? I can't move out, Mom will make me suffer of guiltiness of abandoning her to age alone. And I can't be the obedient daughter either, I'll go crazy if I jadi pak angguk as long as I live under her roof.

So, what can I do? How? How?... SABAR je lar!!

two weeks time..

Hell, I loveeeeee blogging. Its a great way to convey the message of my mind and a hell lot greater way to tell friends that my birthday is coming up in two weeks! Hahaha.. talk about muka tak malu la...hehe

Next next Sunday, it'll be the big two-five for me. Some say that turning a quarter century is the prime time of being young. It is really? I'm not so big with the idea of turning into a real adult. I know that eventhought I'm turning thirty, I'll still be living under Mom's roof, and lazying around the house, snacking on free food. ;)

Anywho.. who knows where I'll end up in future so let's not even think about it. All I know now, I'm looking forward for 'the Sunday' to come. The prospect looks good - my birthday falls on a weekend, Jess is flying back fom Sydney, have a dinner date the night before.. eeerrrmm... that twenty-fifth birthday is looking 'gourmet'!

mucho stupido..

Why is that when I get to know a virile, eligible and downright studly specimen of a MAN, and show absolutely no interest in him, his self-esteem is damaged profoundly? Its really beyond me why would someone who exudes confidence and can make any woman to fall for him would have such fragile self-esteem.

And because I'm not into him, he would back-fired and say nasty stuff to me like, "Eleh, Jannah bukannya lawa pun". So what if I'm not pretty? Never claim to be one anyways. But what do my looks have anything to do in this matter?

Man......, this man is such a kiddo to play 'i'll-slap-you-back' game. Nothing is uglier than a man who have a hurting pride and can't handle it like a real man...

/jann is planning to reverse crooking-kick this stupido man's head...if he have one.

BBGS '99 Reunion

The girls who turns up wasn't the ones I expected. Ahakz! No. No. I didn't meant it to sound like they're not the ones I don't wish to see! Noooooooooo... it's not like that! ;Þ

My 'geng' in school like Zalila, Irina, Nad, Sarah, Dayang, Irlia...all didn't show up. They couldn't make it I reckon, the gathering being on a Friday night. Anywho, I enjoyed it tremendously. I enjoyed performing I'll stand by you by Carrie Underwood, although I did miss the bridge TWICE!

My guitarist, Mr.Cutey Taufik was very calm and professional when he uttered "You miss it again, okay...we'll start AGAIN..", while continuosly playing the bridge part for the 3rd time. Ahaks! Well, what can I say? I only practised the song an hour before the performance. Go figure!

Oh yea, if you guys wondering what's plastered on my arms, it's a sticker with my name on it. Since it has been 8 year since we girls left school, its a good idea to have nametag-like-thing to prevent the.. "Errr, I'm sorry but I can't remember your name" cliché. And if you're wondering again, what I'm holding.....well, it's the lyric, I can't remember it. Hehe.. ;)

All and all, the reunion was a blast! The committee members did a very good job, given the tight timing and hunting for a nice venue. So, round of applause to them! Good work girls... ;)

NGO...

I'm thinking of joining an NGO (non-governmental body). To help humanity, find experience in third world country...bla bla.. okay okay, I want to travel for free! Hehe, no, no, of course that's not the entire point laaaa.

I want to do something meaningful in my life. I want to be a giver without being a taker. I've work with charity bodies before and help out in a few projects and finding satisfaction in doing so. (Cewaaaaaaaaaahhhh, sounds like damn GAYA and sooo the hati murni!!)

So yea, yup, I might join in next year, if I'm qualified that is. We'll see how it goes la huh... ;) There's a high percentage that I might stash the 'hati murni' planning in the closet when I starts earning the dollar $ign. I'll try my level best not to. Promise. Cross my heart and swear to slap myself three times if I don't try.. heheehehehe..

sympathy wasteland..

I really hate it when something bad happened and when like its not bad enough, people around are showering their sympathies, flushing what's left of my strength down the toilet. "Good" intention that they wanted to show seem akward and very 'mannered'.

Too damned many sympathetic faces, too many snickering people eager to say they knew that things would turn up this way. Like I somehow owe them an explanation of decisions I've made and actions I took. These people should just clam their mouth if they are just here to make me feel more miserable or they're not contributing anything to help me make things right.

That's why its easier to keep things in the shadow, oblivious of skeptical eyes and bitchy mouths. That's why it is so much easier to just handle it myself...

questions people ask..

People, the ones I knew and total strangers, tend to potray me as an 'information counter'. They ask all kind of questions that I do not have an answer for, and most 'Qs' are just downright annoying, absurb and akward. The kind of questions we, sensible mannered humans do not ask other people of silly questions to a person who is 100% likely do not have the answer. Such as... "do you know where I put my keys?". Like.. man, how would I know WHERE? I don't even live with you dude..

Albeit that, I rather have that kind of questions thrown to me everyday rather than someone asking me out of the blue of how it feels to be kissed by the same gender or what is the sickest thing I've done or how to ehem ehem... Or asking me what clitoris is! Oh my gosssssssshhhhhh.... In this Internet age, oh puuhhhlease make use of the Internet! Just GOOGLE it. One can find anything and every information to ones heart desire.

Even when one type-in WHERE IS MY KEYS?, GOOGLE never fails to pop some website as results of the search. And try Wikipedia as well. Try and keep on clicking, one will find something eventually....... and stop asking me sex-related questions, no matter what is your reason behind it - may it be for educational purposes or perverted reasons. Don't want to know and don't want to care.

So, don't make me red-faced trying to answer that kind of questions. Kindda polluting my innocent mind, you know.. ;Þ