la Gioconda's smile..

I dreamt of him again last night.

It has been almost a year and a half since he passed away, but I am still in mourn. And I am grieving more and more these days. I guess he was right after all. He always told me that I am a slow catcher when it comes to seeing a clear picture of what is inside my heart.

I remember not shedding a tear when I was delivered the news of his passing. All I could do at that time was continue to live my life as usual and that was what I thought I was doing. But little did I realized that I was actually refusing to see my close friends for months and would rather be alone and quiet.

I would like to believe I am much better now.

As hard as it is, I accepted the fact that he suffered from cancer and he died. And he is in much better place now (I hope) than counting his last days with all the throwing up and losing his hair. His passing made me more aware that life is indeed short, thus, what ever time left must be put into good use.

And I have moved on. I see my friends, confided in them. I talked about him and our growing up years together. And I find myself living with much vigor than before. I am much healthier, my own illness is slowly going off. I am building a career, maybe in banking line or maybe in Nestle since I just got the offer yesterday. And plus I met someone. So, life is much better now with a silver lining up ahead.

But who am I kidding? I know that I still need time, much longer time than I expected. It's as if living with a Mona Lisa's smile - no one has solved the riddle of her smile, no one has read the meaning of her thoughts, only but herself.